My Racism Evolution as a Privileged White Woman
I thought. Then I learned. Now I understand.
I used to think 1776 was all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Then I learned that our country was founded by white male slave owners, who wanted to assure their labor force and keep white men in charge. Now I understand our country’s rules are based on white supremacist ideals designed so that white people benefit unequally.
I used to think I had a “lucky” and “fortunate” life — proud to have a father who is a “rags-to-riches” story. Then I learned there are systems in place to unequally benefit white men. Now I understand that the chances of my dad’s success would have been slim-to-none if he were Black.
I used to think a “good white person” wasn’t racist. Then I learned we are swimming in a white supremacist system with racism at its bedrock and we are collectively conditioned from the start to be racist. Now I understand I AM racist and benefit unfairly as a white person — and that good and bad is a binary that keeps us separate and racism in place.
I used to think Black men were scary and out to get me. Then I learned about the powerful institutions driving this myth: the media, Hollywood, and school and criminal justice systems have portrayed and treated Black men as less than human, as savage animals — historically imprisoning them at exponentially greater rates and more severely than white men, and oftentimes without having committed crimes. Now I understand that young Black men are some of the most vulnerable and misunderstood people in our country, and I am scared of people in power who are upholding white supremacy to their own benefit.
I used to think there were “good” schools and “bad” schools. Then I learned that schools are the by-product of red-lining, a mapping system used last century to determine where Black and brown people lived; thus deeming those areas undesirable to white people — a perception that persists to present day. Now I understand when someone says, “bad school,” they mean one with more Black and brown students and subsequently fewer resources. And that everyone wants good schools, but real estate and tax dollars determine who gets to attend them.
I used to think rap music and cornrows were cool. Then I learned that I was fetishizing and appropriating Black culture, and that rap and Black hair are deeply messaged and have roots back to Africa. Now I understand these arts are not made for my consumption — I am to listen and observe with reverence, humility and appreciation.
I used to think nothing about having only white friends. Then I learned about the many systems that were designed to keep white and Black people separate. Now I understand that to be in a loving relationship with a Person of Color is a gift of which I had been greatly missing out.
I used to think no one talked about race. Then I learned Black and brown people talk about race all the time. Now I understand People of Color must be exhausted by our white immaturity and willful ignorance.
I used to think the system was broken. Then I learned the systems are working exactly as they were designed — separating and disconnecting us from one another and ourselves. Now I understand I must actively seek truth and actively and continually challenge our white supremacist conditioning, that I must be a part of the solution, and minimize the harm I cause as part of the problem.
I used to experience very few emotions — some anger, some joy. Then I learned how I was disconnected from my body after years (and generations) of numbing out and denying emotional unease. Now I understand I must keep breaking my own heart so I can FEEL, stay in my body and listen to Truth.
I used to strive to be the perfect white person. Then I learned it was unhealed shame, fear and self-hate that was triggering my narcissistic perfectionism, saviorism and white fragility. Now I understand that to heal my own trauma through mindfulness, therapy and imperfect growth so I can truly show up for brown and Black folks (and everyone else in my life) with an open heart and mind.
I used to think the goal was to be anti-racist. Then I learned instead of being against something, the goal is to work towards something. Now I wish freedom for each human and imagine our collective liberation.
I used to think these truths were overwhelmingly bleak and depressing. Then I learned: the more I learn, the more I grow, the more resilient I become and the more I can show up. Now I understand my evolution is welcome and there’s always more to unpack.
I used to think these ideas were revelatory. Then I learned historically Black, Indigenous and People of Color (and some awake white people) have known and lived and breathed and died these truths for hundreds of years. Now I understand we white people must opt-in to do our work: unearth our conditioning, heal our wounds, come from fierce love and show up as better humans every day.
Not now, RIGHT NOW.
We are all depending on it.
………….
My journey as a woman of European descent has only just begun. Though doing the work dismantling my own inherent racism is “cringy” and requires an uncomfortable amount of vulnerability and openness — it pales in comparison to what Black, Indigenous, People of Color encounter every single day. If any of what I’ve shared resonates with you, join me in opting-in to have the conversations we all need to be having.
The Opt-In podcast is an ongoing conversation between a white woman (me) and a Woman of Color (my bestie) — unpeeling our collective conditioning, open to ongoing re-education, stumbling on our traumas and blind spots, making more space for love, forgiveness, freedom and truth. The Opt-In aims to show the messiness of human evolution through the lens of difficult conversations happening in real-time.
